Guiding Your Child Through the Coronavirus

Children always see, hear, and pick up on more than parents think. It’s likely that they have noticed people out in public with protective masks, heard pieces of adult conversations, or have talked about it with friends. 

Children are not immune to feelings of fear, worry, or anxiety. Here are 6 ways to guide your child through the outbreak: 

1. Take care of yourself 

In order to help your child regulate their emotions and anxieties, as parents, you have to manage your own first. Your child is likely very aware of your emotional state and will be able to pick up on your feelings of fear and worry. 

Before talking to them, take some time to notice your own feelings and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.  You can check out my last blog post [link to above article] to learn more about how to manage feelings of anxiety.

2. Provide age-appropriate information

There is a wealth of misinformation on the coronavirus. It’s important to be a reliable source for your child(ren), while also filtering out unnecessary details and delivering only what’s pertinent for their age. 

Generally speaking, it’s helpful to frame the coronavirus within a context that is already known to them, such as having a cold or the flu. 

3. Validate your child’s fears 

If your child expresses feelings of fear or anxiety, take a moment to notice your own reactions. Many parent’s attempts to reassure their children often end up invalidating how they are feeling. Instead of telling your child “everything will be ok” try saying something like, “I can see why you are feeling this way.”

4. Let your child know who’s protecting them

Letting your child know that they are loved and that as a parent you won’t let anything happen to them adds a layer of protection. Another can be added by letting them know that doctors and scientists are working to keep them safe as well. 

For older children, letting them know that as a parent you are a shield of protection against the coronavirus may not be enough. Empower them by collaborating on a “family game plan”, which is yet another way of opening up a dialogue. By listening to their ideas, you can learn more about their fears and attend to them as needed.

5. Stay on schedule

Maintaining routines is an important part of helping children to feel safe. They feel safe within structure, and notice when schedules are changed or not followed. As time goes on, some of this may be outside of your control as a parent, with closures of schools and other public spaces being a real possibility. 

Should this happen, keep as many structures in place as possible, and help children to highlight what does remain the same: “We didn’t go to school today, but we still brushed our teeth when we woke up and will brush our teeth before we go to bed.” 

These changes in routine can also be framed as exciting rather than scary, with potentially more time to be spent with family, playing, watching tv, doing crafts, or reading. 

6. Talking to them about hygiene 

Even if your child is too young to know about germs, it’s never too soon to talk to them about hand-washing.  Framing hand-washing and other hygienic behaviors in the context of “virus-stopping powers” can help children to feel more empowered and secure. 

For younger children, this can be made into a game, by measuring how long they wash their hands through singing songs such as “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and “Happy Birthday”, or seeing who can wash their hands the longest. With children who know about germs, learning how to cough into their elbows and not touching their faces is just as important.  

In times like these, it can be easy to get caught up in our fears and worries. Remember, the best thing we can do as parents is take care of ourselves. Don’t forget to be gentle with yourself and your children.

Coronavirus: Managing Fears and Anxieties

Over the past weeks, coronavirus (COVID-19) has spread worldwide. With more outbreaks being reported each day and conflicting information getting shared around the clock, it can feel harder than usual to stay calm. 

With so much still unknown about the coronavirus, you may be feeling more fear and anxiety than normal. Feelings of fear and anxiety can feel unmanageable as they feed off of the unseeable and unknowable. 

Here are some ways to manage feelings of fear and anxiety brought on by the coronavirus:

1. Seek out reliable information

Anxiety is an emotion that wants to plan and protect. It feeds off of information, and when it’s fed information that is wrong,  it goes into a five-alarm alert, setting off fight-or-flight responses.

To help manage your anxiety, check for updates by reputable health organizations such as the Center for Disease Control (CDC) or the World Health Organization (WHO). 

2. Pay attention to how your feeling

Feelings of anxiety are normal and to be expected given the circumstances. Ignoring the anxiety will only make it grow louder in order to gain your attention. Paradoxically, only focusing on your anxiety can make things seem worse than they are.

Mindfulness can be a great tool to help you notice what you’re feeling, allow yourself to acknowledge the feeling without judgment, and continue on with what you were doing. 

3. Identify other factors that may be influencing your anxiety

While there are valid reasons to feel anxious, there may be more happening beneath the surface. Get curious about your anxiety, and consider what other aspects you are responding to, especially if you are aware of heightened sensitivities to germs, death from illnesses, or hospitals. 

4. Controlling what is controllable

There are plenty of things we have no control over. There are also a lot of things we do have control over. Consider engaging in habits  that you do have control over, such as: hand washing, disinfecting household or workspace surfaces, and traveling with hand sanitizer. 

5. Take a break from the news and social media

More information is not always what will help us feel safer. It can be easy to get pulled into echo-chambers of anxiety and fear when we’re constantly plugged in to the latest updates. Mindfulness can help us understand why we’re checking the news and how it serves us. 

6. Grounding activities

It can be easy to get caught up in our worries about what might happen. Grounding yourself in the present moment can be done wherever, whenever. You can mindfully take a walk, wash dishes, or cook dinner all by noticing what you see, feel, and hear right here, right now.

You can also try, the 5-4-3-2-1 technique works by noticing and taking in the details of your surroundings using each of your senses: 

What are 5 things you can see? 

What are 4 things you can touch? 

What are 3 things you can hear? 

What are 2 things you can smell? 

What is 1 thing you can taste? 

Part of a disease's impact is psychological in nature. As humans, we tend to respond to information emotionally. This can include feelings of anxiety, hyper-vigilance, catastrophizing, and helplessness. Mindfulness can be a helpful tool to help us notice our fear, acknowledge it without judgment, and respond proportionally.

Next time, we’ll talk about how to support your child during this global health crisis.  

COVID-19 Update for Mindful NYC Patrons

5 Simple Ways to be Friendly

By Harsh Dave with Lan Lan Yoga

Making friends can be hard sometimes. It’s hard to be yourself and have the courage to stay true to who you are while making friends with other people. Its hard for us, so it must be hard for our children. Here are a few tips to help your kids make friends!

• Don’t be afraid to talk!
  
  The hardest step can be simply talking and feeling free to express yourself. Its so easy to go through life with walls up, and hide what you are really feeling and thinking, but if you have the courage to speak up about what’s going on in your head, you might find that other people feel the same way!
  

• Try to keep other’s feelings in mind!
  
  Being sensitive to how other people feel is very important for making friends! People don’t like to feel like you’re not listening to them when they are speaking, or that your insensitive to what’s going on in their life. Thinking before you speak can help you avoid making other people feel bad when you don’t mean to hurt their feelings.
  

• Do your best to handle conflict!
  
  It’s hard when you get into fights with your friends. Try to remember that your friends like you for who you are, and even if you don’t get along sometimes, it doesn’t mean that they stopped liking you. Everyone is different, so when you get upset with your friends, remember that its okay to let go of your anger, because your friends are important, and you don’t have to agree on everything!
  

• Don’t be afraid to share your struggles!
  
  Everyone has bad days, but if you keep your bad day in your heart it will only stay with you. Don’t be afraid to share your problems with your friends! They are your friends because they care about you!
  

• Be a friend to yourself!
  
  Remember that you have to like yourself so you can show yourself honestly to other people! There are so many great things about all of us! Celebrate those great things so you can share them with your friends!

10 Reason Why Your Children Should Do Yoga

Yoga is a series of stretches and poses that an individual does while controlling their breathing technique. Since it’s a gentle activity, almost anyone can do it, regardless of your age or fitness level. Yoga allows children to express their energy and joy. It gives them an opportunity to try out new poses, which encourages them to believe and achieve. 

Yoga exercises can be intense and vigorous, depending on your personal choice. No matter which type of exercise you do, it will allow your mind and body to relax and reflect. 

1. Yoga allows children to challenge themselves 

Children will be given the opportunity to try out new yoga poses. To an extent, children get to overcome an obstacle. 

2. Children get to take time off and reflect on their personal health

This allows children to understand what works well for their body, this can be related to breathing problems, anger management, and even time management. 

3. Yoga encourages connection between each other

Children will learn to communicate with each other, especially when they are practicing poses with a partner. 

4. Yoga provides a method, environment where children can explore themselves

The environment that the children practice in will be private, meaning they will learn about their strengths and weaknesses. 

5. Yoga works as a “natural medicine” for people of all ages

Yoga is a natural, drug-free method for your body to reset and re-energize.

6. Children will understand how to control their emotions through success and failure

Failure does not always bring negative effects. In fact, children can learn about the process and how to prevent failure. 

7. Yoga is non-competitive (Self-challenge) 

Instead of competing with other, yoga allows you to set goals ( achieve whatever pose you like).

8. Yoga improves sleep patterns especially in young children

Yoga can benefit sleep schedules, as well as breathing techniques. 

9. Children learn about determination and perseverance

Without determination and perseverance, the chance of success is rather low.

10. Encourage kids to be patient and learn

In the beginning, children will have to pay attention to practice certain poses. They might even have to observe an expert first before trying it out themselves. 

Yoga brings positive aspects to our spiritual and mental well-being. Growing up is a challenging period of parents and children, let us use yoga to de-stress and unwind. Yoga provides such a wonderful activity for the family. So why not try it out?  At Lan Lan Yoga, we utilize a simple three steps method to take Yoga for children to the next level by having the children to reflect their own experience, helping them perceive, believe and achieve!

Codependency: Do You Think You’ll Be Happy If They Change?

Hello again. 

This will be the final installment in my blog series about cognitive distortions and codependent relationships. Those two terms are a mouthful! So for those who haven’t read the previous blogs, let’s start with some definitions.

For these blogs, I’m defining codependency as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behavior(s), and their counterpart, or codependent, who enables their partner’s dysfunctional or addictive behavior.

The codependent, sometimes called the giver, will do all sorts of things that aggravate or perpetuate the taker’s behavior. And the codependent will often make great sacrifices in the name of “caring”. These include trying to fix their counterpart, care-take them, compensate for their irresponsible behaviors, protect them from the negative consequences of their actions, etc. The giver is fueled to do this because their sense of self -- their mood, self-esteem, feelings of well-being, and subsequently their actions -- is often contingent on the taker’s current emotional state, words, or behaviors.

The term cognitive distortion comes from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or “CBT”. CBT posits that our thoughts, or cognitions, determine our feelings and behaviors. According to CBT theory, cognitive distortions are irrational or exaggerated patterns of thinking that usually lead us to feeling bad or taking unhealthy actions. These are not the thoughts themselves, but paradigms or ways of thinking that cause people to perceive reality inaccurately.

My last two blogs examined two cognitive distortions that are commonly seen in codependent relationships: Blaming and the Control Fallacy. This time we’ll look at the Fallacy of Change.

As with the control fallacy, a person who engages in the fallacy of change unrealistically believes they have the great power to cause their partner to change – in particular, to cause their partner to change to their liking. Since the codependent thinks their happiness and wellbeing depend on their partner being and acting the way the codependent wants, they unknowingly or purposefully manipulate their partner. The codependent becomes highly invested in pressuring, tricking, or humoring their partner into doing what they desire, or being who they want them to be. And they mistakenly believe that these efforts will work! For example a woman thinks that if her husband were only more romantic she’d be happy (despite the multitude of other problems in their relationship), so she hints around about going out for a nice dinner, harps on him “you never give me any little gifts…like flowers!” or tells him directly, “I’d be happy if you were just more romantic!”

The typical example of the Fallacy of Change is the person who believes everything would be perfect if the alcoholic in their life would just stop drinking. They might hide the bottles, threaten to leave if their partner doesn’t stop drinking, or cajole them into going to an AA meeting with a promise of a nice surprise later that night. Invariably the alcoholic is immune to or actively resistant to their efforts, and the codependent is left feeling unhappy and like a failure.

You may recognize two fallacies operating here. 

#1: The codependent believes they would be happy or have what they want and need if their partner would only change and be more (insert adjective) or just do (insert action). 

#2: The codependent has the power -- through their various subtle and not-so-subtle forms of manipulation – to change their partner. 

Neither is realistic. Both are cognitive distortions that lead the codependent, and likely their partner, to feel bad and potentially engage in unhealthy behavior.

You’ve now heard about a few cognitive distortions that codependent people tend to engage in. Perhaps you recognize yourself in one or more of these scenarios, or you think you fall into one of these “cognitive traps.”  Maybe you think your partner is “making” you feel a certain way, or you blame yourself for someone else’s behaviors or feelings. 

Or do you relate to the fallacy of change? Do you hold the belief that your wellbeing depends on your partner changing, and that you have the power to get them to change? 

Change is definitely possible, but the person you have the power to change is the same person whose changing will make you happier. It’s you.

With a mindfulness approach to psychotherapy, you can start to be more present. You can learn to sit still long enough to become aware of your thoughts and feelings. Your therapist can help you look at those thoughts, and the feelings and behaviors that are fueled by them, and see how they might in some way be serving you or have served you in the past. You can start to identify your unrealistic, distorted ways of thinking, and look at the negative consequences they cause: unhealthy behaviors and distressing feelings. And that is the start of your process of change. 

The funny thing is, you may actually experience an additional, unexpected-- yet welcome-- consequence of changing your thoughts and behaviors. When you start doing things differently, the balance in the relationship shifts. The unhealthy dynamic that perpetuated itself in the relationship is destroyed. That will likely cause a shift in the balance in the relationship, and a subsequent feeling of discomfort in your partner. In order to restore a sense of equilibrium – but this time a positive one -- your partner may end up shifting their own behaviors and attitudes. Thus a new and healthier dynamic for relating is born.

Until the next time…

Kayla

Setting Mindful Intentions

Recently I was asked to interview for Pilates Style magazine on creating and maintaining New Year resolutions. In the article, I offered three stages of applying mindfulness to succeed and sustain your aspirations for the new year. The three stages are:

1. Setting Mindful Intentions

2. Putting It Into Practice

3. Maintaining Intentions

Setting Mindful Intentions:

An important first step in setting mindful intentions is to decide how you achieve your goal. One way to adopt and preserve your New Year's intentions is a concept I will highlight called harm reduction. Harm reduction is taking simple yet measurable steps towards a larger goal. 

Why is harm reduction important in setting intentions? Researchers found that people are more likely to succeed when they are rewarded for the small wins along the way. According to a study conducted by Teresa Amabile and Steven J. Kramer, “When we think about progress, we often imagine how good it feels to achieve a long-term goal or experience a major breakthrough. These big wins are great—but they are relatively rare. The good news is that even small wins can boost inner work life tremendously” (Amabile & Kramer, 2011).

I will use a case example of a client named John to help further illustrate mindful intentions through harm reduction.

Putting It Into Practice:

John is a 25-year-old recent college graduate in finance who has been smoking half a pack of cigarettes every day since he was 14 years old. Over the course of several months in therapy, John and I implemented a harm reduction technique to slowly decrease John’s smoking habit. Rather than smoking half a pack, he started to smoke one less cigarette every day for one month. In the subsequent month, John reduced his intake even more by smoking two less cigarettes a day. He continued to reduce the daily number of cigarettes each month in small, manageable increments. 

John was able to identify work stress as his primary trigger. In therapy, we worked together to develop a toolkit of mindfulness technique, such as body scanning, diaphragmatic breathing (breathing from the abdomen instead of the chest) and waiting 10 minutes before picking up his next cigarette. By combining mindfulness and harm reduction techniques,  John was eventually smoking only one cigarette per day, a dramatic change from his daily half a pack habit. 

Maintaining Intentions:

Now that I covered the first two stages, let’s talk about the third and most important stage: maintenance. Accountability is important for maintaining new habits because we all have blind spots. In the mental health industry, we call them cognitive distortions. Some examples are denial, minimizing, and all-or-nothing thinking. By setting mindful intentions and engaging in harm reduction techniques, you can shift out of the all-or-nothing mindset of “I am a failure because I fell off the wagon” to a healthier and more sustainable narrative such as “I can take this one step at a time, be patient, and not judge my progress.”

The reality is, the three stages of Intention Setting, Putting It Into Practice, and Maintenance is challenging for all of us. But, by seeking support, practicing harm reduction, and implementing mindfulness skills, we can take manageable steps towards a happier, healthier year. 

Breathwork

Chances are, you've heard of breathwork. In recent years, it’s made its way into yoga studios, the latest meditation apps, and wellness circles across the country. But what’s so special about breathing? 

What is breathwork?

Simply put, breathwork is an intentional practice of breathing. It can be understood as a form of active meditation in which there is a sole focus on a specific breathing pattern for a set period of time. 

Some techniques utilize a three-part breath--inhaling, holding, exhaling, and holding again for four counts each--whereas others practice six breaths per minute, inhaling and exhaling through the nose for four minutes or more. Consciously controlling the breath can have positive effects on our emotional, psychological, and physiological states (Morningstar, 2001). 

How does it work? 

Generally speaking, breathwork is a means of regulating the autonomic nervous system. When our sympathetic nervous system is activated by a stressor, we may feel anxious and overwhelmed. 

We often spend more time than we realize in our sympathetic nervous system throughout our daily lives--feeling frazzled at work or in an argument with a significant other. Especially during the holiday season, stress can run high. Often, patients will report challenges interacting with family and having difficulty shifting gears to focus in on their internal experience. By taking even a five-minute break to check in with ourselves, we have the power to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and bring the body back into balance (Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. 2006). 

Tapping into the parasympathetic system, colloquially called the “rest and digest” system, improves the ability of regulatory centers of the brain to manage over-reactivity in the emotion-processing centers of the brain (Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. 2006). Breathing techniques that stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system induce a relaxed state, allowing for greater emotional regulation and mental clarity (Morningstar, 2001). 

Breathwork can be especially helpful for the following issues:

1. anxiety

2. panic attacks

3. depression

 (Jerath, R., Crawford, M. W., Barnes, V. A., &  Harden, K. 2015). 

As we breathe deeper, we start to slow down and become increasingly present. We learn to quiet the mind and connect to our bodies. This heightened awareness allows us to not only feel more grounded, connected, and safe with ourselves--but also with others. 

Using breathwork in therapy

In my experience, ignoring bodily sensations in therapy means we’re only doing half the work. Sometimes the body--and especially the breath--expresses emotions in ways that cannot yet be verbalized. In session, I utilize breathwork to help patients anchor themselves and begin regulating difficult emotions. 

Sometimes, this can be helpful at the start of a session as a way of establishing safety in the room. Here’s how we might begin: 

• Close your eyes and identify sensations in the body. 

• Locate the breath in the body and notice if you’re breathing mostly in your chest or more deeply, from your diaphragm.

• Begin to deepen the breath.  

• I would then guide the breath through a short exercise: inhaling for a series of counts, holding the breath briefly, and then elongating the exhale. 

Guiding you through a breathing exercise usually takes a few minutes and may involve visualizations. With practice, it becomes easier to bring the body and mind back to a state of calm. Ideally, this is a practice that you could ritualize and implement into your daily life, outside of session. 

REFERENCES:

Jerath, R., Edry, J. W., Barnes, V. A., & Jerath, V. (2006). Physiology of long pranayamic breathing: neural respiratory elements may provide a mechanism that explains how slow deep breathing shifts the autonomic nervous system. Medical hypotheses, 67(3), 566-571.

Jerath, R., Crawford, M. W., Barnes, V. A., & Harden, K. (2015). Self-regulation of breathing as a primary treatment for anxiety. Applied psychophysiology and biofeedback, 40(2), 107-115.

Morningstar, J. (2001). Breathwork as a therapeutic adjunct in counseling. 

Morningstar, Jim,“Breathwork-Therapy of choice for whom?”, The Spirit of Breathwork, (2001).

Why Isn't Therapy Working?

We’ve all had the experience of wanting things to be different, taking steps to change (like starting therapy!), and feeling stuck. Even though we’re putting in the time and effort, we’re just not feeling better. Leaving us with the thought ‘Why isn’t therapy working?’ Last time, we talked about how you know when therapy is working. Today, we’ll explore some reasons why therapy may not be helping.

1. Your goals aren’t clear

Sometimes, we start therapy with a clear idea of what we would like to be different in our life. Other times, our therapist works with us to establish clear goals to guide our sessions. If you don’t know what you’re working on, it’s hard to feel like anything is getting accomplished. 

2. Your therapist isn’t the right fit

As we move through the therapeutic process, we begin to identify what we do and don’t like in therapy. Sometimes, the way our therapist does therapy isn’t what we need or want.  One way of thinking about it is that therapy is a medicine and individual therapists are the different types of medicine. Some therapists will be able to offer what you need and want, some won’t. 

3. You may not be ready

Change happens over time. It can be easy to judge where we are based on where we would like to be. It’s important to be patient with where you are at. Carl Rogers once said

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

4. You might need to see a medical doctor

The body impacts the mind and the mind impacts the body. When no matter what we do, we’re still not feeling better, it might be worth a check-up with our medical doctor to make sure everything is OK physically.  

5. You might be scared

Many people have the experience of becoming more aware once they start therapy. Sometimes, change can be scary. We might be feeling scared but unaware of our fear. This unconscious fear could be leading us to behaviors that are counterproductive to our therapeutic goals.  

Like, we talked about last time: People come to therapy for a lot of different reasons. Therapy may not be working for a variety of reasons that depend on why you started. This is by no means an extensive list, but it might serve as a helpful conversation starter with your therapist. 

Codependency: Who do You Think is in Control?

In my last two blogs, I spoke about the relationship between codependency and certain unrealistic patterns of thinking – or cognitive distortions. I defined “codependency” as a bond between someone addicted to a substance, or who engages in dysfunctional behaviors – whom I will call the taker -- and their counterpart, the codependent, who enables the taker’s dysfunctional or addictive behavior. 

To recap: last time I wrote about “blaming,” where both parties place blame for the dysfunctional behavior on someone other than the one who is really responsible for those behaviors. In many cases, the person blamed by both people is the codependent, rather than the taker who is taking the actions. In this blog, we’ll look at another cognitive distortion -- a “cousin” of blaming: The Control Fallacy.

There are two sides to the control fallacy: the External Control Fallacy and the Internal Control Fallacy.

The external control fallacy operates when either party believes their problematic behaviors are caused entirely by external forces beyond their control. They think they are a victim of happenstance or of someone else’s actions and that they have no agency over the matter. They thus excuse their own negative behaviors – take no responsibility for them – and rationalize continuing to act in a way that would require a lot of effort to stop. 

The addict or taker who is perpetually late for work might hold the subway system accountable. “It’s not my fault I’m late. The trains are terrible!”. If they are reprimanded by their boss for doing a bad job on a project, they might shirk responsibility by claiming: “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor; my boss demanded I work overtime on it!” This unrealistic pattern of thinking, or cognitive distortion, is the addict’s or taker’s way of enabling themselves to continue the behavior. 

The codependent can also fall prey to the external control fallacy, which can lead to their own kind of enabling behaviors. For example, when the codependent co-opts their counterpart’s unrealistic external control fallacy -- that the dysfunctional behavior is due to an outside force – the codependent also excuses the behavior and promotes its continuation. “I need to keep paying his student loan bills. It’s not his fault he spends so much on clothing. He has to look professional for his job!”    

You also see the internal control fallacy in the codependent when they mistakenly think they somehow control and are responsible for the feelings of their counterpart. That belief very often will extend to practically everyone the codependent deals with. They think that the happiness, pain, displeasure, etc. of others exists because of something they are doing. “You’re unhappy. I must have done something to upset you!” If they are giving a party they might believe they are responsible for their guests’ enjoyment or even boredom at the event. “If I had only put up more decorations, people would have had a better time.” When taken to the extreme, the codependent feels that their way of being or even their existence has the power to “make” someone feel or act the way they do.

If you relate to these thoughts and thought patterns, psychotherapy with a mindfulness approach might be really helpful. Psychotherapy can help you examine your thoughts and behaviors, and look at where they might have actually served you in the past. With your therapist, you can identify distorted or mistaken beliefs and ways of thinking that currently lead to unhealthy behaviors with negative consequences.

With the help of exercises designed to promote mindfulness, you can become more aware of your current reality and learn to tolerate it by practicing staying in the present moment. You can then begin to develop acceptance of what actually is. You will have the tools to replace the distorted thought patterns you have identified with and start to create more realistic and functional ones. You can then find your way to more healthy relationships – with others…and yourself! Stay tuned for my next blog where we’ll look at the cognitive distortion of the Fallacy of Change. Until then!